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18 January, 2008

Meeting the Big Boss

NineInchNachos led me through a straight maze of concrete, from the Forge to the Secret Lair.

Mr. Anderson was hanging around his office when we entered. With the help of NineInchNachos, he came down from the ceiling hooks and landed upon the floor.

We exchanged polite introductions, and he agreed to an interview. I present you with the results of the conversation:

TG: Online, you seem taller, why is that?
RR: Humbugs would automatically dismiss it as photoshop trickery; yet, they would be mistaken. I seem taller because I am taller. Am I the tallest online persona in Tacoma? Lord knows. If my tallness is more persistent, my pictures more exaggerated, my posts more glaring, my flags more patriotic and my promotions more brilliant… it is not because of fewer scruples but more energy and ingenuity (as P.T. Barnum would say).

TG: Oh, so you're from
Alaska. Have you ever visited Gnome? What was it like?
RR: Nome? Lets get real. There is no Nome. That is no Nome outside the imaginations of quack cartographers… although it would be highly amusing to contemplate a real city where people stood all day in flowerbeds collecting mildew in their plastic beards.

TG: As the owner of HFW, what are your thoughts about Tacoma today, and your master vision of Tacoma?
RR: Firstly I'm just the humble webmaster over at Holistic Forge Works. I'm not sure how it works exactly but it is the shareholders who ultimately control things. Lucky for me (and not unlike other companies) our shareholders are completely oblivious to anything happening on "The Internets" so I'm left alone most of the time to do my own trip. I cannot remember how I came to inherit this grave responsibility of HFW webmaster but it has proven a convenient vehicle for conveying instruction among the common folk. IN Tacoma what is yours is to play the assumed part well, but to choose it belongs to someone else. In the city of destiny people believe in freewill only because they have no choice. Even so, a worthy master vision would be to redeem Tacoma's creative class from the control of the wicked.

TG: Aside from your frequent madcap shenanigans associated with HFW, what can Tacoma not expect from you in the future?
RR: All I'm going to say is it will be a sad day for American capitalism when a man can't clip a newspaper article to his underpants and post photos of himself on the Tacoma Art Listserv.

TG: Have you ever thought of Tacoman as a superhero?

RR: Oh yes. Tacoman. I'm guessing that joke is why John Hathaway calls his publication "The New Takhoman" Suppose it is easier for people to take you more seriously when there aren't tacos floating in the mind's eye.

TG: Oh, and who is the ever elusive Ms. Darcy?

RR: Ms. Darcy is an elusive shape-shifter much like the animal trickster of folk tradition. Online she cannot be seen, heard, or felt… only deduced. Though almost exclusively an offline entity, she's always there in the shadows of my own projects if you know where to look for her. Sometimes I go to the website I made about her at if I'm off on adventure and lonely.

TG: Please tell me about the conspiracy that you will make up to respond to this statement.

RR: The conspiracy is REAL and is wholly consumed to steal away the SLACK innate in every free man, woman & child. The conspiracy dictates that flimsy illusions and self-serving delusions rule most people's lives. Who cares? Nobody cares. Nobody has all the answers. Nobody will defend your rights. Nobody will lower your taxes. My advice is whatever befalls you, walk on unattached. Untouched.

Some say that 'consciousness is means for the universe to know itself.' I find solace in this trope. Also it is impossible to carry the torch of truth through a crowd without singeing someone's beard.

TG: Do you at all feel you sold out to get a simple TAGRO hat?

RR: No. I feel it is a fair trade. I believe that when people expect 'something for nothing' they are sure to be cheated, and generally deserve to be.

TG: Where does the Tacomic Bible Fellowship meet?

RR: Every Tuesday morning at Feed Tacoma ... specifically

I thanked Mr. Anderson, NineInchNachos and the North American Gnomes for their help that day. As I strolled down the street I kept on thinking that he is correct ... carrying torches in crowds should probably be avoided as one could singe a beard or two. Certainly fine words to live by.

Until Next Time,


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